There is part of me that wishes to be able to post on here that Randy has recovered 100%. I wish I could say that God fully restored him physically and there were no lasting affects of the accident. I could say that, but I would be lying. TBI can change you forever. The hard part of it is that for everyone it is different. When people contact me asking about friends or family members that have a loved one suffer a traumatic brain injury, I tend to want to avoid them. Primarily because I remember being one of them.
I wanted to get hear anyone and everyone's story because I wanted to know what to expect, I needed to know what life would be like. I met a boy who had fallen over 20 stories. He shouldn't have lived. You look at him today and you see and hear nothing that would give any evidence he had ever been in an accident. I have also met people who operate with the mind of child, though they are an adult. I have met people who have physical issues from the injury. What I have learned is that, when it comes to traumatic head injuries, no two healing paths are the same. Our brain houses so much of who we are and we are all so very different people. Two people can have damage in the same part of the brain and, though there will be similarities, there will be so many differences.
Our lives will never be same. In some ways that is good. My husband has realized the existence of God and has dedicated his life to Him. I don't know if that would have happened without the accident. But in some ways, I miss the Randy that he used to be. There are times that I grieve that he is gone and I find myself looking for glimpses of him to return.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Saturday, May 17, 2008
June 20, 2006 my husband was in a horrid car accident in which he sustained a head injury. With the injuries he suffered from the accident, the doctors told me that they didn’t know how his vision would be affected when he come out of the coma. Whenever they opened his eye lids to check on his eyes, the right eye was always rolled up almost into his head. On the left side, he had suffered many facial fractures. No one knew the true extent of his injuries and could therefore not tell us if his eyesight was affected at all.
When I had chosen to have lasik surgery a few years early to correct my nearsightedness, Randy had confided in me that he probably could not undergo something like that because one of his biggest fears was losing his sight. Here he was now, lying helplessly in a hospital bed and through no choice of his own, he might have to live through one of his worst fears.
As Randy began coming out of his coma, it was evident that he did have some sight. We knew that he could see movement, but weren’t sure as to what extent he could see. As one of the therapists began working with him, testing his cognitive skills, she asked him to point to the word on the paper that matched the word she was going to say. She gave her word, but instead of pointing to the word on the paper, Randy said another words. The therapist tried again. She stated the same word again and then asked Randy to point to it on the paper she was holding. Randy repeated the same words he had said the first time. I looked at him and then tried to follow his gaze. At the end of his gaze was the word he had been saying, written on a different part of the paper the therapist was using for the therapy session. Randy could not only see, but he could read!
Excitement quickly turned into disappointment, though. Randy did not have to live through his worst fear of losing his sight, but, through the trauma he had suffered, a nerve was damaged. The damage done to this nerve caused his two eyes, who were created to work together to produce one image together, now worked on their own, producing two images.
I sent to word to everyone I could reach, asking them to pray for Randy's eyesight. I began to pray. My prayers started out simply enough "Please heal his eyes." As no healing came, no answers came, my prayers got a little deeps, "Jesus, you are the healer. Please heal Randy's eyesight." Still nothing.... I need a bit more profoundness about them."Jesus, you are the healer. You have the power to touch Randy's eyes and heal them. Please heal them."
His response back was "It's not time. Lessons have not been learned yet." Lessons? Okay, God, could you just spit them out for me? I tend to be a bit dense. Let me know what we need to be learning here and then could you please heal his eyes?"
"Heal his eyes.... how?.... to do what?"
I suppose God isn't going to give me the easy road here. How about this prayer "Lord, you created our two eyes to function in such a way to send messages to the brain and produce images of one. They work together separately to produce one, to be one. Please strengthen them, heal them separately so that they can come together and be one as you created."
Wow! That came out of my heart?!I felt my heart begin to working, but didn't quite know on what yet.
Then I went into the operating room with Randy. Even though one of his worst fears is losing his sight, he made the decision to go through a surgical procedure to try to help his eyes begin to work together. I watched and held his hand has they went into his eye and pulled on and weakened the muscles to move around the eye. He went through a lot of pain having that done. Deep disappointment was felt as the eyesight wasn't immediately corrected. Two images of everything still existed.
I was heartbroken for him not being able to fuse his vision. However, the lesson in me had already been started and it was making profound imprints upon my heart.
In marriage, you go into it as two people with two purposes. With love, respect and devotion the marriage unit is strengthed and begins to work separately towards the same purpose. They work together to become one. There are bumps and earth shattering stops that happen a long the way. Sometimes those events cause us to break our connection. We begin working separately, trying to go in our own direction, or thinking that we are the better of the two and we can do this all on our down. What comes out of it is two separate visions, no unity.
That is where we were at in our marriage. I knew what was best. He disagreed and thought for sure I was in the wrong. If only he could admit how wrong he was, we could back to being happy. Two visions. Two individuals doing things their way and knowing their way was best. Two individuals who were miserable.
I gave God my husband's eye sight. "Lord, if it is your will, please provide healing to Randy's eyes. Please heal what needs to be healed in order for them to begin working together again in the way that you created them to be. Your plan is perfect. Dissention from it causes things to cease working in the way they should. It causes pain and heartbreaking. Please restore things to the way that you had created them to be."
I turned our marriage over to God for healing. I wanted Him to return it to how He had created it to be. His design was so perfect, though it was hard to follow with my pride getting in the way so often. The more that I let go, though, the more that the two eyes can work together to see one.
When I had chosen to have lasik surgery a few years early to correct my nearsightedness, Randy had confided in me that he probably could not undergo something like that because one of his biggest fears was losing his sight. Here he was now, lying helplessly in a hospital bed and through no choice of his own, he might have to live through one of his worst fears.
As Randy began coming out of his coma, it was evident that he did have some sight. We knew that he could see movement, but weren’t sure as to what extent he could see. As one of the therapists began working with him, testing his cognitive skills, she asked him to point to the word on the paper that matched the word she was going to say. She gave her word, but instead of pointing to the word on the paper, Randy said another words. The therapist tried again. She stated the same word again and then asked Randy to point to it on the paper she was holding. Randy repeated the same words he had said the first time. I looked at him and then tried to follow his gaze. At the end of his gaze was the word he had been saying, written on a different part of the paper the therapist was using for the therapy session. Randy could not only see, but he could read!
Excitement quickly turned into disappointment, though. Randy did not have to live through his worst fear of losing his sight, but, through the trauma he had suffered, a nerve was damaged. The damage done to this nerve caused his two eyes, who were created to work together to produce one image together, now worked on their own, producing two images.
I sent to word to everyone I could reach, asking them to pray for Randy's eyesight. I began to pray. My prayers started out simply enough "Please heal his eyes." As no healing came, no answers came, my prayers got a little deeps, "Jesus, you are the healer. Please heal Randy's eyesight." Still nothing.... I need a bit more profoundness about them."Jesus, you are the healer. You have the power to touch Randy's eyes and heal them. Please heal them."
His response back was "It's not time. Lessons have not been learned yet." Lessons? Okay, God, could you just spit them out for me? I tend to be a bit dense. Let me know what we need to be learning here and then could you please heal his eyes?"
"Heal his eyes.... how?.... to do what?"
I suppose God isn't going to give me the easy road here. How about this prayer "Lord, you created our two eyes to function in such a way to send messages to the brain and produce images of one. They work together separately to produce one, to be one. Please strengthen them, heal them separately so that they can come together and be one as you created."
Wow! That came out of my heart?!I felt my heart begin to working, but didn't quite know on what yet.
Then I went into the operating room with Randy. Even though one of his worst fears is losing his sight, he made the decision to go through a surgical procedure to try to help his eyes begin to work together. I watched and held his hand has they went into his eye and pulled on and weakened the muscles to move around the eye. He went through a lot of pain having that done. Deep disappointment was felt as the eyesight wasn't immediately corrected. Two images of everything still existed.
I was heartbroken for him not being able to fuse his vision. However, the lesson in me had already been started and it was making profound imprints upon my heart.
In marriage, you go into it as two people with two purposes. With love, respect and devotion the marriage unit is strengthed and begins to work separately towards the same purpose. They work together to become one. There are bumps and earth shattering stops that happen a long the way. Sometimes those events cause us to break our connection. We begin working separately, trying to go in our own direction, or thinking that we are the better of the two and we can do this all on our down. What comes out of it is two separate visions, no unity.
That is where we were at in our marriage. I knew what was best. He disagreed and thought for sure I was in the wrong. If only he could admit how wrong he was, we could back to being happy. Two visions. Two individuals doing things their way and knowing their way was best. Two individuals who were miserable.
I gave God my husband's eye sight. "Lord, if it is your will, please provide healing to Randy's eyes. Please heal what needs to be healed in order for them to begin working together again in the way that you created them to be. Your plan is perfect. Dissention from it causes things to cease working in the way they should. It causes pain and heartbreaking. Please restore things to the way that you had created them to be."
I turned our marriage over to God for healing. I wanted Him to return it to how He had created it to be. His design was so perfect, though it was hard to follow with my pride getting in the way so often. The more that I let go, though, the more that the two eyes can work together to see one.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Sudden Stops
This weekend, I attended a women’s retreat with my mom and sister. The theme of the retreat was “Road Signs”. There were 4 women speakers throughout the retreat who each got up and told their own personal stories in relation to a specific road sign. One lady talked about detours, another talked about proceeding with caution. The last speaker spoke about stops. She shared with us a sudden stop that happened in her life three years ago. Her story touched me the most because of what I have been through recently in my life.
This woman and her husband were devoted Christians. They were strong partners in the ministry, working close together. Then he was asked to step in as interim pastor at a church that had unexpectedly lost their pastor. He later became full time pastor. Three years ago, he was scheduled to go to Mexico on a missions trip with 3 or 4 other guys. One of the other guys was leading the trip. On the day they were to leave, there were heavy ice storms. He called his wife, who was at work, and told her that she needed to go home and he would meet her there. They both made it there safely. Their daughter, who had been there for Christmas, was also there. She took standby flights and had been unable to get a flight out so far that week. That night, they went over to neighbors to hang out for a bit, but the plan was for the guys to leave on the missions trip at 3 the next morning. Their daughter also had to be at the airport at 5 in the morning in order to be there for standby. With the roads being icy, this lady felt uncomfortable with her husband leaving that early in the morning. She asked him to call the guy who was heading the trip and tell them that they were going to leave later. She asked him several times, making him frustrated with her. He let her know that it was not his place to make that call.
The next day, she awoke a few minutes after three. She heard what she thought was footsteps so she felt a bit of relief, thinking her husband had taken her advice and decided to go later. She went looking for him throughout the house, but only found a note that he had left to her telling her that he had decided to not to wake her and let her sleep and that he loved her.
Her and her daughter got up and got dressed to start heading to the airport. As this lady began walking down the stairs, though, she heard a knock at her door. It was the highway patrol. Right down the street from where they live is the on-ramp for the freeway. As her husband got on onto the freeway on his way to pick up the other men for the trip, a semi came up behind him, evidently not seeing him. With the ice, her husband was not able to move out of the way or speed up in time. The semi hit the back of his little car sending his upper body in a forward and then back motion, breaking his neck. He was killed instantly.
Now, three years later, she is still mourning him, but she has somehow found joy. She misses him, longs to still talk to him, to have her partner back. I don’t want to even imagine.
The first question that came to my mind was “Why would God take this man, who was, with his wife, strongly devoted to Him, on his way to a missions trip to bring Him glory and yet send a nurse by to save my husband, who was agnostic at the time?”
The answer that I get back is that God didn’t send that semi to take her husband in as much as he didn’t send Jimi Bellinger to injure Randy. God was there with this man as the semi hit him. Of that, I have no doubt. He took the life from this man quickly, sparing him from suffering. I believe that God planted the trepidation into his wife’s heart the night before, already knowing that the man would still choose to go because God knows everything and yet still gives us our free will, but he put the seed out there because His heart was broken to see the family suffer the pain of this loss.
That’s it for my ramblings tonight…
This woman and her husband were devoted Christians. They were strong partners in the ministry, working close together. Then he was asked to step in as interim pastor at a church that had unexpectedly lost their pastor. He later became full time pastor. Three years ago, he was scheduled to go to Mexico on a missions trip with 3 or 4 other guys. One of the other guys was leading the trip. On the day they were to leave, there were heavy ice storms. He called his wife, who was at work, and told her that she needed to go home and he would meet her there. They both made it there safely. Their daughter, who had been there for Christmas, was also there. She took standby flights and had been unable to get a flight out so far that week. That night, they went over to neighbors to hang out for a bit, but the plan was for the guys to leave on the missions trip at 3 the next morning. Their daughter also had to be at the airport at 5 in the morning in order to be there for standby. With the roads being icy, this lady felt uncomfortable with her husband leaving that early in the morning. She asked him to call the guy who was heading the trip and tell them that they were going to leave later. She asked him several times, making him frustrated with her. He let her know that it was not his place to make that call.
The next day, she awoke a few minutes after three. She heard what she thought was footsteps so she felt a bit of relief, thinking her husband had taken her advice and decided to go later. She went looking for him throughout the house, but only found a note that he had left to her telling her that he had decided to not to wake her and let her sleep and that he loved her.
Her and her daughter got up and got dressed to start heading to the airport. As this lady began walking down the stairs, though, she heard a knock at her door. It was the highway patrol. Right down the street from where they live is the on-ramp for the freeway. As her husband got on onto the freeway on his way to pick up the other men for the trip, a semi came up behind him, evidently not seeing him. With the ice, her husband was not able to move out of the way or speed up in time. The semi hit the back of his little car sending his upper body in a forward and then back motion, breaking his neck. He was killed instantly.
Now, three years later, she is still mourning him, but she has somehow found joy. She misses him, longs to still talk to him, to have her partner back. I don’t want to even imagine.
The first question that came to my mind was “Why would God take this man, who was, with his wife, strongly devoted to Him, on his way to a missions trip to bring Him glory and yet send a nurse by to save my husband, who was agnostic at the time?”
The answer that I get back is that God didn’t send that semi to take her husband in as much as he didn’t send Jimi Bellinger to injure Randy. God was there with this man as the semi hit him. Of that, I have no doubt. He took the life from this man quickly, sparing him from suffering. I believe that God planted the trepidation into his wife’s heart the night before, already knowing that the man would still choose to go because God knows everything and yet still gives us our free will, but he put the seed out there because His heart was broken to see the family suffer the pain of this loss.
That’s it for my ramblings tonight…
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Life and Death
As I write this, I am exhausted and know that I cannot adequately lay out all of the thoughts and feelings that are surrounding me right now. But I thought I would get out a few.
Randy's grandmother passed away Saturday morning. Through the disease of Alzheimer's, she has been slipping away for the past few years. Randy's Aunt commented today that it was as though her mom was walking away into a fog. Randy, Cass and I headed over to Yakima Saturday after I got off of work to be with the family. Unfortunately, we had to come back home tonight because of work commitments Monday morning.
While in Yakima, though, Randy and I had many moments of reflections, as one often does after the passing of a loved one. The death of someone we know has a way of reminding us that we too will pass one day. Life seems to fragile, so short. It is a time to reflect on what one does with their own life and look for some sort of meaning. "What am I here for?" "What will be remembered about me when I am gone" are questions that goes through one's mind.
There are those of us whose names will be remembered here on earth for many, many years past the time that their life has ended. Who could forget what Albert Einstein did for the world as we know it or all that Mother Theresa blessed the world with? Most of us seem so small and so insignificant and know our names and the remembrance of our lives will pass shortly after the time our life here has ended.
Faye Rush won't bee memorialized here on earth as Mother Theresa has. Her days weren't filled with the tremendous humanitarian efforts that Mother Theresa did day in and day out. Faye's day involved going to work, being a mother to her son and her daughter, and being the wife to her husband. Her life extended out to include being a mother-In-law, a grandmother and even a great-grandmother. Is this what life is really all about? We live, we have families, we love our families and watch them grow, and then that's it? We're gone, only to come alive again when someone brings up a memory, perhaps a funny story of something we said or did or something that stuck in their memory about us? What good did we do here?
What meaning did Faye Rush have here? Simply put, she believed in God. She believed that God created this world, created man, and then God sent His very own Son down to this earth to die for mankind and take away all of our sin. She believed in God's love and in His grace. Faye stood faithfully by God knowing that He would stay faithfully by her. Her and her husband were an integral part of starting a church in Zillah and in keeping the church going through rough times.
For the last few years, though, Faye has slowly sinking into the pit of Alzheimer's. Her memories going away or getting mixed up and twisted around. She had to move into a nursing home and couldn't attend the church any longer. Through the time that she was gone, many of those who knew her moved on as well in one way or another.
It seems that, as time passes, that church has less and less of the presence of Faye Rush. Most there might not even know the love, the joy, the tears, the prayers that she put into that church, helping it to be what it is now for those who attend it now. Our human eyes are so very limited. We see sometimes only what is right in front of us, what is obvious. One can look at the books of the church for attendance and know Faye was here.
If only we could get a glimpse of everyone who has entered this church through God's eyes. Then we could see the little seed in them that was planted by Faye. When God sees me here, he sees the seed that Faye put into me, without her even knowing I was going to be here. It is a seed for the relationship with God. For those who have never gotten one before, it is there for God to help you start growing and learning about Him and all of the love He has to offer you. For those who have had seeds before, it is to help strengthen those or to help you find your way back when you got a little turned around. For others, it is a seed to give you just the support you need to start working with God on showing you how to let go of your seeds so that you will, as Faye, becoming one of the living legends, right up there with Mother Theresa. When God looks into this church, he sees the seeds of Faye, going with all of those who go in and out of these doors. Because of her faith fullness and her love and joy in knowing the Lord, Faye's seeds have spread far and wide. People she never met here on earth will one day be finding her in heaven and thank her for starting the seed that lead to them finding the relationship with Jesus.
Faye knew the best way to cultivate the seeds she was given. Love. Her spirit was filled with it. We have a lot of "great people" who have passed from this earth that we should try to emulate. The Brilliant Albert Einstein, Mother Theresa, and now Faye Rush.
One last observation I wanted to comment on before closing is this - while we were at the grave site viewing where she was going to be buried, Randy made a very in-depth statement. He had a brush with death on June 20, 2006 with his car accident. Today, Randy said very matter a factly "If I wouldn't have made it on that day, I wasn't saved." I can't even imagine what my life would have been like having to go through it knowing that the man whom I love the most, who is my partner and best friend, could not be with me in the celebration of the new world.
We were given a other change that day. Now is the time that we start spreading out the seed we have to give and work on cultivating that which has been given to us.
Randy's grandmother passed away Saturday morning. Through the disease of Alzheimer's, she has been slipping away for the past few years. Randy's Aunt commented today that it was as though her mom was walking away into a fog. Randy, Cass and I headed over to Yakima Saturday after I got off of work to be with the family. Unfortunately, we had to come back home tonight because of work commitments Monday morning.
While in Yakima, though, Randy and I had many moments of reflections, as one often does after the passing of a loved one. The death of someone we know has a way of reminding us that we too will pass one day. Life seems to fragile, so short. It is a time to reflect on what one does with their own life and look for some sort of meaning. "What am I here for?" "What will be remembered about me when I am gone" are questions that goes through one's mind.
There are those of us whose names will be remembered here on earth for many, many years past the time that their life has ended. Who could forget what Albert Einstein did for the world as we know it or all that Mother Theresa blessed the world with? Most of us seem so small and so insignificant and know our names and the remembrance of our lives will pass shortly after the time our life here has ended.
Faye Rush won't bee memorialized here on earth as Mother Theresa has. Her days weren't filled with the tremendous humanitarian efforts that Mother Theresa did day in and day out. Faye's day involved going to work, being a mother to her son and her daughter, and being the wife to her husband. Her life extended out to include being a mother-In-law, a grandmother and even a great-grandmother. Is this what life is really all about? We live, we have families, we love our families and watch them grow, and then that's it? We're gone, only to come alive again when someone brings up a memory, perhaps a funny story of something we said or did or something that stuck in their memory about us? What good did we do here?
What meaning did Faye Rush have here? Simply put, she believed in God. She believed that God created this world, created man, and then God sent His very own Son down to this earth to die for mankind and take away all of our sin. She believed in God's love and in His grace. Faye stood faithfully by God knowing that He would stay faithfully by her. Her and her husband were an integral part of starting a church in Zillah and in keeping the church going through rough times.
For the last few years, though, Faye has slowly sinking into the pit of Alzheimer's. Her memories going away or getting mixed up and twisted around. She had to move into a nursing home and couldn't attend the church any longer. Through the time that she was gone, many of those who knew her moved on as well in one way or another.
It seems that, as time passes, that church has less and less of the presence of Faye Rush. Most there might not even know the love, the joy, the tears, the prayers that she put into that church, helping it to be what it is now for those who attend it now. Our human eyes are so very limited. We see sometimes only what is right in front of us, what is obvious. One can look at the books of the church for attendance and know Faye was here.
If only we could get a glimpse of everyone who has entered this church through God's eyes. Then we could see the little seed in them that was planted by Faye. When God sees me here, he sees the seed that Faye put into me, without her even knowing I was going to be here. It is a seed for the relationship with God. For those who have never gotten one before, it is there for God to help you start growing and learning about Him and all of the love He has to offer you. For those who have had seeds before, it is to help strengthen those or to help you find your way back when you got a little turned around. For others, it is a seed to give you just the support you need to start working with God on showing you how to let go of your seeds so that you will, as Faye, becoming one of the living legends, right up there with Mother Theresa. When God looks into this church, he sees the seeds of Faye, going with all of those who go in and out of these doors. Because of her faith fullness and her love and joy in knowing the Lord, Faye's seeds have spread far and wide. People she never met here on earth will one day be finding her in heaven and thank her for starting the seed that lead to them finding the relationship with Jesus.
Faye knew the best way to cultivate the seeds she was given. Love. Her spirit was filled with it. We have a lot of "great people" who have passed from this earth that we should try to emulate. The Brilliant Albert Einstein, Mother Theresa, and now Faye Rush.
One last observation I wanted to comment on before closing is this - while we were at the grave site viewing where she was going to be buried, Randy made a very in-depth statement. He had a brush with death on June 20, 2006 with his car accident. Today, Randy said very matter a factly "If I wouldn't have made it on that day, I wasn't saved." I can't even imagine what my life would have been like having to go through it knowing that the man whom I love the most, who is my partner and best friend, could not be with me in the celebration of the new world.
We were given a other change that day. Now is the time that we start spreading out the seed we have to give and work on cultivating that which has been given to us.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Forgiveness
I can honestly say that I do not often think of the man that caused Randy's car accident. I made the decision long ago to not allow him to enter my thoughts because the unfairness of the situation breaks my heart. He was being negligent by driving too fast during rush hour traffic. We have all made bad decisions. A few years ago, I was following someone too close when it was raining and when they stopped abruptly I rear-ended them. It damaged my car more than theirs. What hurts my heart in regards to Jimi Bellinger is his callousness, his lack of responsibility. After I rear-ended the person, I remained in contact with them, paying their deductible, taking responsibility for my actions even though it was an accident.
Not only was Bellinger not following the law by not carrying insurance, he wasn't even sorry. He has shown no regard for the life of another human being. He hid out from the attorney, was uncooperative with the officer.
I decided long ago, though, that by hanging onto any resentments or anger towards him would be pointless. In the end, it would only cause harm to me.
However, the day after Randy's surgery, as he lay on the table with the doctors pulling on the muscles around his eyes trying to fuse together his vision, my whole body filled with anger at Jimi Bellinger. My Randy was going through so much physical pain and the person who caused it out of their negligence was not going to be held responsible in any earthly way. All Bellinger got out of the whole deal was a fine for not carrying insurance. The fine was less than the cost of 6 months worth of insurance.
Today, though, I read an article in the paper about a man who was acquitted of charges stemming from an accident in which he killed 5 people. All 5 of the people were children, the oldest being 12. All 5 were siblings. The parents of these children, even while they themselves were in the hospital recovering their injuries from the accident, publicly forgave the man who caused the accident.
Wow! I still have Randy in my life. Life is hard sometimes - he is in pain all of the time, which hurts my heart; he struggles with things that use to be easy for him. But I still have him there to talk to, to touch, to experience life with.
I don't know what is in the heart of Jimi Bellinger. I hope that he never causes someone else the amount of pain and suffering that he has caused my family. But I am in the process of forgiving him. It is a daily process. Every day, I have to forgive him.
Not only was Bellinger not following the law by not carrying insurance, he wasn't even sorry. He has shown no regard for the life of another human being. He hid out from the attorney, was uncooperative with the officer.
I decided long ago, though, that by hanging onto any resentments or anger towards him would be pointless. In the end, it would only cause harm to me.
However, the day after Randy's surgery, as he lay on the table with the doctors pulling on the muscles around his eyes trying to fuse together his vision, my whole body filled with anger at Jimi Bellinger. My Randy was going through so much physical pain and the person who caused it out of their negligence was not going to be held responsible in any earthly way. All Bellinger got out of the whole deal was a fine for not carrying insurance. The fine was less than the cost of 6 months worth of insurance.
Today, though, I read an article in the paper about a man who was acquitted of charges stemming from an accident in which he killed 5 people. All 5 of the people were children, the oldest being 12. All 5 were siblings. The parents of these children, even while they themselves were in the hospital recovering their injuries from the accident, publicly forgave the man who caused the accident.
Wow! I still have Randy in my life. Life is hard sometimes - he is in pain all of the time, which hurts my heart; he struggles with things that use to be easy for him. But I still have him there to talk to, to touch, to experience life with.
I don't know what is in the heart of Jimi Bellinger. I hope that he never causes someone else the amount of pain and suffering that he has caused my family. But I am in the process of forgiving him. It is a daily process. Every day, I have to forgive him.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Catching Up
Since my last post, which was over 2 months ago, Randy has gone through eye surgery in order to try to correct his double vision. I was very nervous for him to have it. My biggest fear was that he would lose his site and sink into a deep depression.
The surgery took place at Harborview, where he spent his first 44 days after the car accident. Having him in there in a hospital gown and with the oxygen mask on him brought back too many old feelings. It was a bit rough.
When he first came out of surgery, his right eye, which was not the eye they worked on, was hurting a lot and he couldn't see out of it. I had an awful pit in my stomach until the doctor got there and explained that they had had Randy's right eye open during the surgery to line up the left one too it. The loss of vision and the pain was only temporary.
The night of the surgery, they sent Randy home with a patch over his left eye. We all had our hopes up that when he returned to see the doctors the next morning, his eyes would work together to see as one. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
The next morning, they took Randy back into the surgery room. They allowed his dad and I to go back with him. I was very hesitant to go, but I knew he really wanted me there. They measured his double vision with prisms and then had him lie on the table. They put a thing to his eye to keep it open and they pulled on his eye muscles (the two that they had worked on the day before), pulling one tighter. The doctor said that he was happy with the horizontal differences with the double vision. The vertical and the torsion remain an issue.
Now, we wait and hope that Randy's brain kicks into gear and fuses the two images. So far it hasn't happened. He can fuse them for very short times when he looks down, but that is about it.
I want to give him and his body what they need to so his healing can continue. I have been reading up on eating healthier. I have been learning a lot about our bodies, about how God designed them, so that I can begin learning how we should eat. The book I am currently reading is "What Would Jesus Eat". It has really opened me up to start thinking about why God created certain animals and has me wanting to search out more how God wants us to take care of our bodies - what his plan was for us in eating and taking care of ourselves. It is an exciting journey and yet an overwhelming one. We (Randy, Cass and I) are such people of conveniences. We like quick and easy. I have never taken the time to really think about where my food came from or what it is giving to me in either a positive or negative form.
We, as in humankind, have gotten so far off track of what God designed. The "rules" He gave to us weren't some willy nilly things He made up to just be ruler. All of the rules/laws have purpose. For example, drunkenness is against the rules. This isn't because God doesn't want us to have any fun. Alcohol consumed at the level where it intoxicates you damages your body. It can cause damage to the brain and to the liver. The more that I long to know about God, the more my search brings me to wanting to know more about His reasons behind the things that He asks of us. The more I understand the reasons behind, the more I understand about His love and the design that He had wanted for us all here on earth.
The surgery took place at Harborview, where he spent his first 44 days after the car accident. Having him in there in a hospital gown and with the oxygen mask on him brought back too many old feelings. It was a bit rough.
When he first came out of surgery, his right eye, which was not the eye they worked on, was hurting a lot and he couldn't see out of it. I had an awful pit in my stomach until the doctor got there and explained that they had had Randy's right eye open during the surgery to line up the left one too it. The loss of vision and the pain was only temporary.
The night of the surgery, they sent Randy home with a patch over his left eye. We all had our hopes up that when he returned to see the doctors the next morning, his eyes would work together to see as one. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
The next morning, they took Randy back into the surgery room. They allowed his dad and I to go back with him. I was very hesitant to go, but I knew he really wanted me there. They measured his double vision with prisms and then had him lie on the table. They put a thing to his eye to keep it open and they pulled on his eye muscles (the two that they had worked on the day before), pulling one tighter. The doctor said that he was happy with the horizontal differences with the double vision. The vertical and the torsion remain an issue.
Now, we wait and hope that Randy's brain kicks into gear and fuses the two images. So far it hasn't happened. He can fuse them for very short times when he looks down, but that is about it.
I want to give him and his body what they need to so his healing can continue. I have been reading up on eating healthier. I have been learning a lot about our bodies, about how God designed them, so that I can begin learning how we should eat. The book I am currently reading is "What Would Jesus Eat". It has really opened me up to start thinking about why God created certain animals and has me wanting to search out more how God wants us to take care of our bodies - what his plan was for us in eating and taking care of ourselves. It is an exciting journey and yet an overwhelming one. We (Randy, Cass and I) are such people of conveniences. We like quick and easy. I have never taken the time to really think about where my food came from or what it is giving to me in either a positive or negative form.
We, as in humankind, have gotten so far off track of what God designed. The "rules" He gave to us weren't some willy nilly things He made up to just be ruler. All of the rules/laws have purpose. For example, drunkenness is against the rules. This isn't because God doesn't want us to have any fun. Alcohol consumed at the level where it intoxicates you damages your body. It can cause damage to the brain and to the liver. The more that I long to know about God, the more my search brings me to wanting to know more about His reasons behind the things that He asks of us. The more I understand the reasons behind, the more I understand about His love and the design that He had wanted for us all here on earth.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
My Husband
As many know, I love on my two pups quite a bit ~ they are my babies. The other day Randy jokingly asked me why I don' love on him the same way. I jokingly responded that it was because he doesn't greet me the way the dogs so when I come home. As soon as I walk in the door, the dogs are right there, wagging their tails, showing me they are excited that I am home.
Today, when I walk in the door from working, there was Randy on the floor with the dogs, wagging his tail (which was our duster).
I think this is proof that his memory is improving.
Today, when I walk in the door from working, there was Randy on the floor with the dogs, wagging his tail (which was our duster).
I think this is proof that his memory is improving.
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