As I write this, I am exhausted and know that I cannot adequately lay out all of the thoughts and feelings that are surrounding me right now. But I thought I would get out a few.
Randy's grandmother passed away Saturday morning. Through the disease of Alzheimer's, she has been slipping away for the past few years. Randy's Aunt commented today that it was as though her mom was walking away into a fog. Randy, Cass and I headed over to Yakima Saturday after I got off of work to be with the family. Unfortunately, we had to come back home tonight because of work commitments Monday morning.
While in Yakima, though, Randy and I had many moments of reflections, as one often does after the passing of a loved one. The death of someone we know has a way of reminding us that we too will pass one day. Life seems to fragile, so short. It is a time to reflect on what one does with their own life and look for some sort of meaning. "What am I here for?" "What will be remembered about me when I am gone" are questions that goes through one's mind.
There are those of us whose names will be remembered here on earth for many, many years past the time that their life has ended. Who could forget what Albert Einstein did for the world as we know it or all that Mother Theresa blessed the world with? Most of us seem so small and so insignificant and know our names and the remembrance of our lives will pass shortly after the time our life here has ended.
Faye Rush won't bee memorialized here on earth as Mother Theresa has. Her days weren't filled with the tremendous humanitarian efforts that Mother Theresa did day in and day out. Faye's day involved going to work, being a mother to her son and her daughter, and being the wife to her husband. Her life extended out to include being a mother-In-law, a grandmother and even a great-grandmother. Is this what life is really all about? We live, we have families, we love our families and watch them grow, and then that's it? We're gone, only to come alive again when someone brings up a memory, perhaps a funny story of something we said or did or something that stuck in their memory about us? What good did we do here?
What meaning did Faye Rush have here? Simply put, she believed in God. She believed that God created this world, created man, and then God sent His very own Son down to this earth to die for mankind and take away all of our sin. She believed in God's love and in His grace. Faye stood faithfully by God knowing that He would stay faithfully by her. Her and her husband were an integral part of starting a church in Zillah and in keeping the church going through rough times.
For the last few years, though, Faye has slowly sinking into the pit of Alzheimer's. Her memories going away or getting mixed up and twisted around. She had to move into a nursing home and couldn't attend the church any longer. Through the time that she was gone, many of those who knew her moved on as well in one way or another.
It seems that, as time passes, that church has less and less of the presence of Faye Rush. Most there might not even know the love, the joy, the tears, the prayers that she put into that church, helping it to be what it is now for those who attend it now. Our human eyes are so very limited. We see sometimes only what is right in front of us, what is obvious. One can look at the books of the church for attendance and know Faye was here.
If only we could get a glimpse of everyone who has entered this church through God's eyes. Then we could see the little seed in them that was planted by Faye. When God sees me here, he sees the seed that Faye put into me, without her even knowing I was going to be here. It is a seed for the relationship with God. For those who have never gotten one before, it is there for God to help you start growing and learning about Him and all of the love He has to offer you. For those who have had seeds before, it is to help strengthen those or to help you find your way back when you got a little turned around. For others, it is a seed to give you just the support you need to start working with God on showing you how to let go of your seeds so that you will, as Faye, becoming one of the living legends, right up there with Mother Theresa. When God looks into this church, he sees the seeds of Faye, going with all of those who go in and out of these doors. Because of her faith fullness and her love and joy in knowing the Lord, Faye's seeds have spread far and wide. People she never met here on earth will one day be finding her in heaven and thank her for starting the seed that lead to them finding the relationship with Jesus.
Faye knew the best way to cultivate the seeds she was given. Love. Her spirit was filled with it. We have a lot of "great people" who have passed from this earth that we should try to emulate. The Brilliant Albert Einstein, Mother Theresa, and now Faye Rush.
One last observation I wanted to comment on before closing is this - while we were at the grave site viewing where she was going to be buried, Randy made a very in-depth statement. He had a brush with death on June 20, 2006 with his car accident. Today, Randy said very matter a factly "If I wouldn't have made it on that day, I wasn't saved." I can't even imagine what my life would have been like having to go through it knowing that the man whom I love the most, who is my partner and best friend, could not be with me in the celebration of the new world.
We were given a other change that day. Now is the time that we start spreading out the seed we have to give and work on cultivating that which has been given to us.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Forgiveness
I can honestly say that I do not often think of the man that caused Randy's car accident. I made the decision long ago to not allow him to enter my thoughts because the unfairness of the situation breaks my heart. He was being negligent by driving too fast during rush hour traffic. We have all made bad decisions. A few years ago, I was following someone too close when it was raining and when they stopped abruptly I rear-ended them. It damaged my car more than theirs. What hurts my heart in regards to Jimi Bellinger is his callousness, his lack of responsibility. After I rear-ended the person, I remained in contact with them, paying their deductible, taking responsibility for my actions even though it was an accident.
Not only was Bellinger not following the law by not carrying insurance, he wasn't even sorry. He has shown no regard for the life of another human being. He hid out from the attorney, was uncooperative with the officer.
I decided long ago, though, that by hanging onto any resentments or anger towards him would be pointless. In the end, it would only cause harm to me.
However, the day after Randy's surgery, as he lay on the table with the doctors pulling on the muscles around his eyes trying to fuse together his vision, my whole body filled with anger at Jimi Bellinger. My Randy was going through so much physical pain and the person who caused it out of their negligence was not going to be held responsible in any earthly way. All Bellinger got out of the whole deal was a fine for not carrying insurance. The fine was less than the cost of 6 months worth of insurance.
Today, though, I read an article in the paper about a man who was acquitted of charges stemming from an accident in which he killed 5 people. All 5 of the people were children, the oldest being 12. All 5 were siblings. The parents of these children, even while they themselves were in the hospital recovering their injuries from the accident, publicly forgave the man who caused the accident.
Wow! I still have Randy in my life. Life is hard sometimes - he is in pain all of the time, which hurts my heart; he struggles with things that use to be easy for him. But I still have him there to talk to, to touch, to experience life with.
I don't know what is in the heart of Jimi Bellinger. I hope that he never causes someone else the amount of pain and suffering that he has caused my family. But I am in the process of forgiving him. It is a daily process. Every day, I have to forgive him.
Not only was Bellinger not following the law by not carrying insurance, he wasn't even sorry. He has shown no regard for the life of another human being. He hid out from the attorney, was uncooperative with the officer.
I decided long ago, though, that by hanging onto any resentments or anger towards him would be pointless. In the end, it would only cause harm to me.
However, the day after Randy's surgery, as he lay on the table with the doctors pulling on the muscles around his eyes trying to fuse together his vision, my whole body filled with anger at Jimi Bellinger. My Randy was going through so much physical pain and the person who caused it out of their negligence was not going to be held responsible in any earthly way. All Bellinger got out of the whole deal was a fine for not carrying insurance. The fine was less than the cost of 6 months worth of insurance.
Today, though, I read an article in the paper about a man who was acquitted of charges stemming from an accident in which he killed 5 people. All 5 of the people were children, the oldest being 12. All 5 were siblings. The parents of these children, even while they themselves were in the hospital recovering their injuries from the accident, publicly forgave the man who caused the accident.
Wow! I still have Randy in my life. Life is hard sometimes - he is in pain all of the time, which hurts my heart; he struggles with things that use to be easy for him. But I still have him there to talk to, to touch, to experience life with.
I don't know what is in the heart of Jimi Bellinger. I hope that he never causes someone else the amount of pain and suffering that he has caused my family. But I am in the process of forgiving him. It is a daily process. Every day, I have to forgive him.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Catching Up
Since my last post, which was over 2 months ago, Randy has gone through eye surgery in order to try to correct his double vision. I was very nervous for him to have it. My biggest fear was that he would lose his site and sink into a deep depression.
The surgery took place at Harborview, where he spent his first 44 days after the car accident. Having him in there in a hospital gown and with the oxygen mask on him brought back too many old feelings. It was a bit rough.
When he first came out of surgery, his right eye, which was not the eye they worked on, was hurting a lot and he couldn't see out of it. I had an awful pit in my stomach until the doctor got there and explained that they had had Randy's right eye open during the surgery to line up the left one too it. The loss of vision and the pain was only temporary.
The night of the surgery, they sent Randy home with a patch over his left eye. We all had our hopes up that when he returned to see the doctors the next morning, his eyes would work together to see as one. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
The next morning, they took Randy back into the surgery room. They allowed his dad and I to go back with him. I was very hesitant to go, but I knew he really wanted me there. They measured his double vision with prisms and then had him lie on the table. They put a thing to his eye to keep it open and they pulled on his eye muscles (the two that they had worked on the day before), pulling one tighter. The doctor said that he was happy with the horizontal differences with the double vision. The vertical and the torsion remain an issue.
Now, we wait and hope that Randy's brain kicks into gear and fuses the two images. So far it hasn't happened. He can fuse them for very short times when he looks down, but that is about it.
I want to give him and his body what they need to so his healing can continue. I have been reading up on eating healthier. I have been learning a lot about our bodies, about how God designed them, so that I can begin learning how we should eat. The book I am currently reading is "What Would Jesus Eat". It has really opened me up to start thinking about why God created certain animals and has me wanting to search out more how God wants us to take care of our bodies - what his plan was for us in eating and taking care of ourselves. It is an exciting journey and yet an overwhelming one. We (Randy, Cass and I) are such people of conveniences. We like quick and easy. I have never taken the time to really think about where my food came from or what it is giving to me in either a positive or negative form.
We, as in humankind, have gotten so far off track of what God designed. The "rules" He gave to us weren't some willy nilly things He made up to just be ruler. All of the rules/laws have purpose. For example, drunkenness is against the rules. This isn't because God doesn't want us to have any fun. Alcohol consumed at the level where it intoxicates you damages your body. It can cause damage to the brain and to the liver. The more that I long to know about God, the more my search brings me to wanting to know more about His reasons behind the things that He asks of us. The more I understand the reasons behind, the more I understand about His love and the design that He had wanted for us all here on earth.
The surgery took place at Harborview, where he spent his first 44 days after the car accident. Having him in there in a hospital gown and with the oxygen mask on him brought back too many old feelings. It was a bit rough.
When he first came out of surgery, his right eye, which was not the eye they worked on, was hurting a lot and he couldn't see out of it. I had an awful pit in my stomach until the doctor got there and explained that they had had Randy's right eye open during the surgery to line up the left one too it. The loss of vision and the pain was only temporary.
The night of the surgery, they sent Randy home with a patch over his left eye. We all had our hopes up that when he returned to see the doctors the next morning, his eyes would work together to see as one. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
The next morning, they took Randy back into the surgery room. They allowed his dad and I to go back with him. I was very hesitant to go, but I knew he really wanted me there. They measured his double vision with prisms and then had him lie on the table. They put a thing to his eye to keep it open and they pulled on his eye muscles (the two that they had worked on the day before), pulling one tighter. The doctor said that he was happy with the horizontal differences with the double vision. The vertical and the torsion remain an issue.
Now, we wait and hope that Randy's brain kicks into gear and fuses the two images. So far it hasn't happened. He can fuse them for very short times when he looks down, but that is about it.
I want to give him and his body what they need to so his healing can continue. I have been reading up on eating healthier. I have been learning a lot about our bodies, about how God designed them, so that I can begin learning how we should eat. The book I am currently reading is "What Would Jesus Eat". It has really opened me up to start thinking about why God created certain animals and has me wanting to search out more how God wants us to take care of our bodies - what his plan was for us in eating and taking care of ourselves. It is an exciting journey and yet an overwhelming one. We (Randy, Cass and I) are such people of conveniences. We like quick and easy. I have never taken the time to really think about where my food came from or what it is giving to me in either a positive or negative form.
We, as in humankind, have gotten so far off track of what God designed. The "rules" He gave to us weren't some willy nilly things He made up to just be ruler. All of the rules/laws have purpose. For example, drunkenness is against the rules. This isn't because God doesn't want us to have any fun. Alcohol consumed at the level where it intoxicates you damages your body. It can cause damage to the brain and to the liver. The more that I long to know about God, the more my search brings me to wanting to know more about His reasons behind the things that He asks of us. The more I understand the reasons behind, the more I understand about His love and the design that He had wanted for us all here on earth.
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